IMPORTANT NOTICE: Please do NOT forget to read the disclaimer at the end.
After decades of leading the industry in the areas of computing recommendations, Logical Increments is moving in a bold leap forward by entering the hardware market. With all the pomp and flair that we know we think we deserve, we proudly present…
The Logical ‘increments Phone! (abbreviated L’iPhone)
The Logical ‘increments Phone, or L’iPhone, is the best, greatest, most important, most disruptive, most intuitively magical product with rounded corners to hit the glass shelves, ever. No other luxury smartphone promises to change your life as directly as the L’iPhone does. We insinuate, without any sense of shame or guilt, that the L’iPhone is going to make you a cooler person, more hip and trendy than you ever thought possible.
The world of smartphones is oversaturated with companies that know what they are doing, so we are taking things in a courageous new direction. Our experts collected user feedback for years, recording the preferences and grievances of millions of people from around the globe. We then discarded this data and launched our L’iPhone with a unique design that we are sure you are going to love once you get used to it. Our will-be-loved L’iPhone comes with the following features:
–Four notches. Does your oldphone have just one notch? Maybe it is time to update. Our daring L’iPhone comes with one notch for each cardinal direction.
–Less buttons. Removing ports and bits of the screen is the in-thing these days, so we went ahead and removed the on/off button, and volume up and volume down buttons. We replaced these with Lightning ports, and freely included a Lightning-port-to-on/off-button adaptor as well as a Lightning-port-to-volume-down-button adaptor. The Lightning-port-to-volume-up-button adaptor is sold separately for $79*.
*Note: Those who wish to raise the volume without purchasing the Lightning-port-to-volume-up-button adaptor can do so for free by performing a factory reset.
–More cameras. With a single camera, you can take a picture in 2D. Due the laws of mathematics and physics, each additional camera adds an extra dimension to the image. A second camera allows taking pictures in 3D. With the L’iPhone, we leapfrogged all of our competition and added 12 cameras, allowing you to take pictures in 13D.
–Smarter batteries. Sick and tired of your batteries lasting for 6-8 hours? The brave L’iPhone comes with batteries that are guaranteed* to last for at least 9-10 hours** for the first 6 months of ownership. Our batteries will alert you that a battery change is needed by throttling performance after 6 months, so that you are guaranteed to have the exact same battery life as when you first bought the phone once you replace your batteries!
*Tested with L’iPhone brightness set to 25% in Airplane Mode
**An hour is defined as “a time period that feels like 60 minutes to a human observer without a watch”, unless otherwise stated
And now for a word or two from our bold chief design officer, Daniel “Jonny” Five.
Daniel: Thanks! Ok, so I just want to tell you about one or two points that I am really, really proud of:
–Effortless repairability, environmentally conscious. Other phones are designed to break. The L’iPhone is designed to be innovatively toolless. By reducing the number of environmentally-harmful replaceable inner parts to zero, we at Logical Increments are helping to conserve mother nature. No parts of the L’iPhone can hurt the environment by being replaceable or serviceable. The L’iPhone is 100% guaranteed to never face any hardware issues, but when there are hardware issues, you can purchase a new L’iPhone and safely dispose of the defective L’iPhone in the ocean or a nature reserve. Special magical sensors within the L’iPhone will then place the device into “biodegradable mode”. Within just a few dozen magical decades, the L’iPhone will be completely re-absorbed into the earth.
–Amazing ecosystem. At Logical Increments, we truly care about our customers, and want them to experience the amazing and magical world of a unified ecosystem. To guarantee quality online experiences, the L’iPhone can only access Logical Increments branded websites. Say goodbye to viruses and nasty ads.
Daniel: And that is all from me. Back to you!
Thank you, Daniel. And now for more L’iPhone features.
–An incredible price. Priced at $1699, the new L’iPhone is truly the phone for artisans and connoisseurs.
Oh but wait, there is…
One extra thing.
No product launch would be complete without making sure that our audience knows that the product is obsolete on the same day that it is launched, and that is always done by launching a second model that makes the first one look bad and cheap. And so we proudly introduce…
The Logical ‘increments Phone Xtra! (abbreviated L’iPhone X)
The Logical ‘increments Phone Xtra, or L’iPhone X, takes our innovative design even further, into areas you probably did not believe were possible. We added a fifth notch right in the centre of the phone, and we are calling it…
No other company would dare touch the inspired heights in which the L’iPhone X soars, for truly the L’iPhone X is the hawk and otherphones are the pigeons. Featuring the startling (and suggestive!) iFingerHole™, this phone has an instantly recognizable design, easily standing out from the crowd. Plus, it is shiny and made by us, so you are going to buy it for the innovative and unapologetic price of $2699.
The $1699 L’iPhone and the $2699 L’iPhone X (with the lubricious iFingerHole™) will be available for sale starting 1st April 2018.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: HaHAA! Just in case you did not realize it yet, this is a parody! We are not really making the L’iPhone, we are just making fun! Do we not have the right to make fun? Of course we do, and it is because of who we are parodying. We are parodying one of the most popular, most influential, and most creative smartphone companies on earth. That’s right: We are parodying Samsung. If you are Samsung or a Samsung fan, please do not get upset. We both know that Samsung is head and shoulders above the competition, both in terms of worldwide sales figures and marketshare, so do not get too angry, ok?